♥xneversaneverx♥ (hecate_420) wrote,

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i'll trade you my life for a second chance.

maybe its better that i had no access to a computer till today. this entry would have come out differently had i written it two weeks ago. so much has happened and i dont really know what i should say. all i know is i feel so much older than 19 now. the past few days has been one huge wake up call for me. i feel drawn.. like clockwork thats been wound too tight. ive lost the tiny bit of direction i was trying to create for myself. i can honestly say that ive never invited death more than i do now.

two thursdays ago, my dad beat me up. one second he was screaming at me for not turning on the a/c right away, and the next, he had his hands around my neck and i couldnt breathe. it dint register right away. i just remember not being able to believe what was happening. i grabbed his arms and tried to pull them away, and for some reason i cant comprehend, that registered to him as me fighting back. so he gets even madder and hits me on the head so hard that i was thrown on the bed. he kept saying that i was fighting back and i kept trying to convince him i wasnt. i turned around to prove to him that i wasnt gonna fight but that dint do anything. he punched me in the back and i fell on the bed again. it was so weird.. i sat down and started hitting myself on the head as hard as i could. i couldnt stop crying and my grama was there the whole time trying to talk to both of us. i remember her pleading with my dad to stop but he wouldnt listen.. she was the only reason why i dint fight back.. i was scared that something might happen to her.. i got really pissed off and i just snapped. i cant ever remember seeing myself so angry. i put on my shoes and walked out of the house. i was cursing at the top of my voice. people stared but i dint care anymore. i dint care about anything. i hit everything i could reach. posts, walls, fire hydrants , trees, and even the sidewalk... i mangled my hand so bad i couldnt stop it from shaking. the skin on my knuckles was ripped off in several places. but i dint feel any pain.. i just walked and kept walking away.. my tito ran after me and just followed wherever i went.. then eventually my other relatives came.. they live like 40 miles away so it took them a while to get there.. anyway yeah... what basically happened was they made me go back and we all had a talk. but when my tita was talking my dad dint wanna hear that he did anything wrong. so he shouted that this whole thing was bull and that he was going out. of course he stopped in front of me before leaving, pointed his finger in my face and told me how worthless i was in front of my whole family. after he left, the rest of us talked then my brother and i got some stuff and went home with our tito.. weve been there for the past two weeks and now were back here.. its a long fucked up story and if i went into more of the details then i dont think id ever finish. we quit our job, and were going to frisco on monday. we were gonna stay but i dont think we are anymore. i agreed to come back here because my grama got sick from everything thats been happening. everyone else got involved and it became everyones problem. i was just so tired and ashamed that everyone had to suffer because my own life was fucked up. so i agreed to come back. but if it were up to me, i wouldnt be here right now..

ive been talking with my mom a lot.. she wanted to sue my father and i had to beg her not to. if it was just him getting affected i woulda sued him myself by now.. but my tito's working for him and i dint want the rest of my family having to go through anymore problems. i just hate it. i dint ask for any of this shit. i never complained bout how screwed up everything is. i sacrificed my happiness just so he could claim responsibility for his own screw ups. its not fair putangina. i wish i was never fucking born.

this is my last chance to take control of my life. my mom said that no matter what i do, i cant please everyone. sometimes i hafta go with what will make me happy.. i dont wanna be miserable the rest of my life.. i just dont wanna give him a second chance right now. i think my family will understand if this time i make a choice for myself... bahala na si batman..

ill just finish my responsibilities here then im choosing me. whether theres anything left for me if i do this, i dont care. i'm coming home.
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